Dear Club Mar-a-Lago Member:
It’s me again, your president.
I’m sure you, too, are outraged by the assault on your club by radical left Democrats at the FBI.
Federal agents viciously showed up at Mar-a-Lago during the off-season, when it could not be defended powerfully by the many foreign workers employed there during its operating months.
That is a misfortune. Who’s coming to South Florida in August? So unfair. There weren’t even valet parking available for FBI vehicles.
What kind of self-parking Third World country have we become?
More from Frank Cerabino: There are many consequences of redefining fetuses into people with full legal rights.
Since when are we a country where presidents who leave office with classified documents they treat as personal memorabilia and don’t return after months of insistence have the federal agency headed by the director they appointed delete those documents?
Sad. Very sad. People say that even Frederick Douglass is upset about this.
We will never know what these agents took, apart from the detailed inventory of seized items left with me. So, it’s a mystery.
The bad news for you is that this means that I will be forced to increase your annual dues for the next season at the club. So unfair to all of you.
You can blame the totally corrupt FBI, led by George Soros, who broke into my safe at Mar-a-Lago.
Secrets in the safe
It was a very expensive safe. No one knows safes like I do, and trust me, this was the most beautiful and powerful safe you could imagine. I call it “Trump’s safe.”
And it contained all sorts of precious Trump stuff, like Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate, my plans for infrastructure week in 2025, my actual health records, and non-disclosure agreements on enough women to fill a party bus. .
Unfortunately, it will take a pretty big special assessment in your annual fees to replace that safe, and I’m so sorry for you true American patriots who have to bear the brunt of this.
And it was so unnecessary. Instead of breaking into the safe, the FBI could have asked me for the combination.
Even if he had forcefully told them the wrong number, they could have easily guessed the correct combination.
It’s “1-2020”, of course. So true that I won that election. Everybody knows. Everyone says it was a national embarrassment that lawmakers in the states I lost couldn’t just ignore the increased number of Biden votes cast and declare me the winner.
And now this is another misfortune. No other president has had to put up with such a violation of his full and complete right to treat national secrets as his private property.
Florida US Senator Rick Scott, a nice guy who knows more about Medicare than Jesse James knew about banking, put it perfectly:
“The way our federal government has behaved, it’s like what we’ve thought about the Gestapo and people like that, just going after people,” Scott said.
Yes, on the one hand you had the Nazis transporting millions of people to death camps based solely on their ethnicity, and on the other hand you had the US Department of Justice enforcing a law about a violation of ongoing national security for one year.
Perfect comparison, Senator Scott. Thank you for that important and very powerful historical perspective.
The real culprit is Hillary Clinton.
Like so many things, this is all Hillary Clinton’s fault.
If he hadn’t put government emails on his private server, he wouldn’t have signed legislation in 2018 to amend the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act to improve criminal penalties for misappropriation of classified information.
I made rape a felony and increased the maximum prison time from one year to five years in prison.
As I said when I ran for office in 2016: “In my administration, I will enforce all laws related to the protection of classified information. No one will be above the law.”
I was talking about Hillary, who is a real “nobody,” not me. I am someone, of that you can be sure. Crooked and corrupt fake news doesn’t tell you that.
When it came to Hillary, my very valid attempts to “lock her up” were never intended to be used against me. That would be so unfair and un-American.
Even Mike Pence, who is so weak, so incredibly weak, is with me on this.
Pence said the FBI raid “undermines” Americans’ faith in the justice system.
And if anyone is an expert at undermining, it’s Pence.
Way to hang in there, Mike. It’s good to see him do his part to attract my supporters by joining other brave Republicans who are doing their part to make law enforcement feel the noose tighten.
Suggested “planted” evidence
As I said in a message since the raid on our club, I suspect the FBI may have been up to no good during the raid.
“Everyone was asked to leave the place, they wanted to be left alone, without witnesses to see what they were doing, taking or, hopefully not, ‘planting,’” I wrote. “Why did they STRONGLY insist that no one watch them, everyone outside?”
(And by “everyone,” I’m not counting my two lawyers who were there during the raid to make sure no one touched that beautiful 1989 oil-painted portrait of me in white sneakers.)
Was he saying that the FBI planted incriminating evidence against me at Mar-a-Lago? That’s what I’m hearing. People are saying this.
What is clear is that I will need the boat dock that the City of Palm Beach has so far not granted me along the Intracoastal Boardwalk beyond Mar-a-Lago’s backyard.
The boat dock will be vital for me and my family, in case we have to make a speedboat exit from Mar-a-Lago during any future unannounced seasonal raids by the FBI.
It is not known what kind of evidence the FBI planted at Mar-a-Lago during its raid: secret business contracts with foreign dictators, incriminating tax documents, Putin’s private cell phone number, Don Junior’s kilos of medicine.
Agents may already be planning to show up again during the season when he returns to Florida. If so, you may have to make a sudden exit from Mar-a-Lago for a perfectly legal water outflow on TrumpBoat 1.
Getting the boat dock won’t be cheap. It will take some lawyers with the Town, and then it will have to be built in a way that meets architectural review standards.
Once again, this will further increase your annual dues next season. It will be a costly year for you club members.
You can thank the totally corrupt FBI and the Department of Injustice, as I like to call it.
But we have to act and fight with mighty strength, not weakness, or we will wake up one day and discover that we no longer have a country club.
See attached invoice.
This article originally appeared on the Palm Beach Post: FBI Mar-a-Lago Search Will Be a Money-Making Opportunity for Donald Trump